Fake Nails

There was a time in the late 90's when it was super cool to wear press on fake nails. I don't know why this was ever a good idea. By the time I got all the nails glued on I was already regretting it. First of all, they were way too long. You could not perform every day tasks with them on. How am I supposed to zip my pants or jacket, or tie my shoes with 2 inch daggers extending from my fingers? Also, they were kind of painful. The fake nails were always wider than my real nails so I would end up just gluing them to my skin which was no very comfortable for longer than like 15 minutes. The pain came again at the end when you had to rip them off. Or if one got ripped off before you were ready. Inevitably part of your real nail would get pulled off with the fake nail. That glue was very strong.

One day we were at Wal Mart and I had enough of my allowance left to buy a pack of fake nails. I decided that they were going to be perfect. I was not going to glue them crooked (which I did a lot), I was going to trim them to the perfect size, and not glue them to my skin. I could not wait to show up to school and show all the girls how awesome my nails were. I even imagined my teacher, Mrs. Flores, complementing my grown up nails. I asked Sarah Margaret to help me put them on so that the plan would work. I should have known better.

We got the first hand done and they were spectacular. None of my friends had fake nails as perfect as mine were. I was on top of the world. Sarah Margaret started on the next hand. She was holding my pointer finger and squeezing out the glue. I didn't notice, but the glue dripped off my finger and onto the bathroom counter. Sarah Margaret proceeded to push my finger onto the counter and press the nail down. In the process she had glued my finger to the counter! And like I said, that glue was strong. I pulled and pulled but my finger was stuck. We started calling for Mom and Dad to come rescue me. There was also another little problem with my finger. I had a big cut on it. I knew that all I had to do was pour nail polish remover all over my finger and let it soak, but that would burn like the fires of hell. Dad was quick to find a solution. He whipped out his pocket knife and offered to slide it between my finger and the counter. I started crying. I could just picture pulling up my finger and a whole layer of my skin was left where Dad had sliced it off. There was no way I was letting that happen. We could not think of anything else to try. The only option was nail polish remover.

We poured it on. I had to let it soak for 10 minutes. And I was right, it did burn like the fires of hell. Sarah Margaret offered to finish my nails. But I said absolutely not. I was done with fake nails. So instead of going to school with perfectly manicured nails, I went to school with one hand perfectly manicured, and one hand with stubby short nails. Sarah Margaret denies it, but I think she did it on purpose.

That Darn Pole Cat

Before moving to Buffalo Junction, Va we had always lived in neighborhoods with dogs, cats, and children on bikes and scooters; but not wild animals. Suddenly there was a whole new world opened to us. We had deer gallivanting through out front yard, turkeys trotting across the road, and bunnies hippity hopping all over the place. Every day seemed to bring a new wonderment of nature. And then there were the skunks...
The dogs would always run off and come home smelling like skunk, but we had yet to see one in real life. One morning we were getting ready for school and Dennis announced from his room that there was a skunk in the front yard. We all dropped our Toaster Strudels and ran to the window. For some reason this was the most exciting news we had heard all week. Th little guy was so cute. He was just sniffing around the yard, minding his own business. Dennis and Sarah Margaret decided that the best thing to do would be to go into the yard and get a closer look. At this point Mom was in the driveway loading up the van, so she could not be the voice of reason. They went outside and before I knew it they were running back inside screaming. Apparently, in their excitement they startled the little skunk and he sprayed them. Surprise, surprise. So I went out to the van to tell Mom what had happened. When I stepped out of the garage and into the driveway I saw Mom and the skunk in the driveway. Mom and I both took off in the other direction. Unfortunately, the van door was left open and little skunky sprayed right into the van. Once we were all back in the house we realized how stupid we had been. Why was it a good idea to approach a skunk? At this point we had to leave for school. So Dennis and Sarah Margaret (who smelled like skunk) climbed in the van (which smelled like skunk) with Mom and I. By the time we got to school we all smelled like skunks.
I had no choice but to just walk to homeroom class. I was already the new girl, and now I was the smelly new girl. I have had better mornings. The skunk was really cute though.

Writing Songs

I received one of my favorite birthday presents ever on my 6th birthday. Dad got me a tape with songs on it. Normally, this would not be that exciting, but this tape was custom made and the songs had my name inserted in them. It was awesome. One of my favorite of these songs was about how I can do anything I want when I grow up. I wish you could hear it, but I will just tell you the lyrics. They are very inspiring, especially is your name is Caroline.

"You can be the President of the United States,
and Caroline can be an engineer and won't make mistakes.
Fly an airplane, lead the army, be a doctor, or play sports.
'Cause Caroline of course you're number one in all you do."

Sarah Margaret and Dennis were not huge fans of this tape, this song in particular. They decided to change the words and would sing this version of the song to me all the time:

"You can't be the President of the United States,
and Caroline can't be an engineer she will make mistakes.
Crash an airplane, kill the army..."

You get the point. This version of the song always made me very upset. I would always tell on them and when Mom would ask them about it they claimed they were singing about Baby Bop, not about me. This was one of the first times the Craft kids wrote a song.

In 3rd grade I received a Girl Tech Password Diary. This diary was voice recognition password protected. I just had to speak a password into the microphone, and it would recognize the word and my voice and open up. I decided that I was going to be a songwriter and the perfect place to keep all my songs was in the Girl Tech diary. This way, no one could read what I had written without my permission. One day Dennis found out my password. I didn't think that was a huge deal though because he still could not open my diary without my voice...or so I thought. I guess Girl Tech did not use very sophisticated voice recognition technology because Dennis spoke my password and my diary opened right up. Dennis read all the songs I had written. I was mortified! There was one in particular that was super embarrassing. In a moment of temporary insanity, I even sang a few for him. Right after I sang it, Dennis started making fun of it. I realized that I had made a huge mistake. I swore Dennis to secrecy.

He still brings up that song sometimes even though it has been like 10 years. He will randomly start humming it to me and laugh. He has never sung it for anyone though, not even Sarah Margaret. I am still worried it will come up in the future. He always threatens to sing it at my rehearsal dinner in front of everyone. That was the only time I really dabbled in song writing. It ended in sheer embarrassment that still haunts me with every note that Dennis hums. I bet you really want to know what the song that I wrote is and why I don't want anyone to hear it. But you will have to keep wondering because I will never tell, even if my Girl Tech diary will.

The White Volvo

We lived in Clarksville, VA when both Dennis and I got our licenses. At this pointin time my whole family drove Volvos. Sarah Margaret and Mom both had station wagons and Dennis got a 1989 White Volvo 240. We were a little disappointed in the looks of the car until we realized it had blue cloth interior...then we were even more disappointed. Another thing about "the white car" as we called it, was that is was stick shift. So Dennis and I both had to learn how to drive manual. I spent a lot of time in that car even when it was Dennis's and not mine, which it later became. The car also had some special little quirks. First of all, the Break Failure light was always on. This is not a good thing for a car. How was I supposed to know if my breaks were actually failing or is it was just an electrical glitch? Second, the air condition didn't work. Whenever I would baby sit Scooter in the summer his family would always comment on how warm he felt when he got out of my car. I always had to apologize for my oven of a car. Third, after Dennis hit a ginormous dog the front bumper would never stay in place. Some times I would be driving down the road and see sparks coming up from the front driver side. I would just pull over and click the bumper back into place and hope that it would stay this time. it never would though. Fourth, the odometer was stuck on 246,000before we even had it so there is no telling how many miles were actually on it.

Dennis had a knack for getting pulled over and talking himself out of a ticket. He seriously got pulled over a lot in our small town. The school cop and the town cops were on the look out for the white car. It was also just my luck that the other 1989 white Volvo 240 in town was owned by a drunkard who the cops were also on the look out for. Needless to say, I had to obey all traffic laws at all times because people were watching for my car. Throughout its life with the Craft family the white car had quite a few mishaps.
-Dennis once a hit a dog the size of a cow with it.
-Dennis tried to race someone "uptown", Clarksvillians know where that is, and shared some paint with the other car. There was a nice reddish scrape on it after that.
-One night Dennis, Whalen, and I were on our way to Camp Concord and we missed the turn in the road and came inches from smashing into a great big grave stone.
-We got followed by the school cop to someone's house after school because we had way to many people piled in the back seat and we had a flat tire which made the car swerve. The cop said Dennis was driving wreckless. Don't worry though, he talked himself out of a ticket.
-I ran over a poodle. The little guy didn't die though, thank goodness.
-Just when we were beginning to think this car would not die I proved us all wrong. One fateful night I was driving home from church and I was on Cow Road when a mama deer and her two babies popped out of the woods. The mama ran right into my car. The deer died and so did the beloved white car.

We were not sad.

Cybiko

In 2002 a movie came out with Frankie Muniz and Amanda Bynes called "Big Fat Liar". I honestly do not remember much about the plot, all I remember is that they had these cool gadgets called Cybikos that they would use to communicate with each other. It was like text messaging before there was text messaging. All I knew was that I had to have one. I pictured myself sitting in my room, or on the bus, or at school chatting with all my friends all the time. It was going to be magical. So on our next trip to Best Buy I went to check them out. Cybikos came in so many bright cool colors. Of course I wanted a yellow one, I always wanted yellow things. I also learned that not only did it let you communicate with your friends, but you could also download like a million games online onto your Cybiko and even raise a little Cybee. Which was basically a giga pet, just a little more involved and high tech. I really needed one of these Cybikos.
That December for my birthday all I asked for was a Cybiko. I thought it would change my life. I thought about it all day on my birthday until finally it was time to open presents. I ripped into the first box and screeched with delight at the beautiful new yellow Cybiko in my hands. It was finally mine. Then things took a turn for the worse.
Upon further inspection I learned that you actually had to be within a 2 mile radius of the person you wanted to communicate with. I was a little disappointed with this news, but I figured that would be fine because Corie and Sally were my neighbors. I quickly realized that even though they were closer than 2 miles, they did not have a Cybiko. I was so sure that after they saw mine they would get one for Christmas which was just a few weeks away. I could definitely wait that long. Christmas came and went and I was still the only person I knew with a Cybiko. Actually I was the only person I knew with two Cybikos. My original yellow one would not download the games or the little Cybee that I wanted so badly so Dad got me a new purple one.
I spent hours at the computer trying to get my data loaded and games working on the Cybiko. It never worked. By February I was pretty disgusted with my useless toy. Of course in February they came out with the Cybiko Extreme and Dad bought me one. He felt bad that I had wanted this gadget so badly and it didn't work, so he kept trying to fix it.
Now I had three Cybikos that basically only told me the time and had a calendar on them. None of them would communicate with anyone and none of them would play games.
I blame Amanda Bynes and Frankie Muniz for leading me to believe that this would be the coolest toy ever. They were very wrong. Dennis and Sarah Margaret made fun of me a lot for that one. Cybikos were the biggest disappointment of the new millennium for me. They did look really cool though.

A Little Gem

I was recently home for Fall Break and I stumbled upon my 5th grade poetry journal.

Couplets:
I like to look at the cute pig
even though he's very big

I have a pet that's a dog
one day she ate a frog

I know a girl her name is Sally
but she moved and I met a girl names Ally

I saw a really pretty rug
but when I looked closely I saw a little bug

Quatrain:
Animal Stable
One time I visited a stable
I met a pig
her name was Mable
She was very big

She loved to roll in the mud
Then she wasn't very pink
There was another pig who was her bud
When I looked at her she gave me a wink

I moved on and saw a cow
His fence was made of wood
I got a splinter and said "OW!"
It started to rain so I put up my hood

Next I looked at a hen
They were playing with a rooster
They are men
He tried to reach a high spot but needed a booster


Clerihews:
Into the house walked Sally
We were playing a game and the score we had to tally
We were running races and we had to go far
Until someone ran into a car

Into the house came Sarah
For dinner she was having cheese sticks in marinara
The sauce was very red
and after dinner she went to bed

Limerick:
One day the sun was very bright
I said to myself I think I might
Go outside and play
since it is such a nice day
When I got out I flew my kite


Free Verse:
On Saturday morning
I like to sleep late
then I eat a big breakfast
I like homemade waffles best
Muffins are good too
I watch TV
Then I go get dressed
I look to see who is outside
Then I go out
and play too!


Why Do Dogs Bark?
Why do dogs bark
at cars passing
at people walking
at anything that moves?
They open their mouths
and just let it out
Sometimes dogs
bark at burgalurs
and that is very helpful.
Why do dogs bark?


Ballad
As a little baby my mom carried me everywhere
she probably even carried me to the mall
because one day trying to walk
I ran right into the wall.

When I was five we moved
to a place called Chesapeake
soon after we moved we got a pool
but then it got a leak

Now I live in Richmond
it's an Ok place to be
that is the story of my life,
that is the story of me.


Hexaduad:
My name is Caroline I am a girl
my hair is straight it does not swirl.

I wear my hair in a pony tail
And to my friends I sent email

Some say I act like a clown
My eyes are a very dark brown

I like to be out in the sun
I play all day and have some fun

My favorite number is always three
My friend taught me to climb a tree

Some people think I am a fool,
But I think I am kinda cool.

Lai Verse:
Who is that I hear?
I don't think you're near
To here.

Lying in the dark
I hear a dog bark
It's you

You're my faithful pal
I will call you Tal
Come here.

Lanterns:
Pigs
in mud
live on farms
they eat gross slop
Pink

Grass
itchy
it is green
you walk on it
blades

Birds
they fly
in the sky
skinny bird feet
Feathers


I think there are a few observations to be made about my 5th grade poetry. 1- I am not an artist, but I did think that I was good at drawing dogs (I was wrong). 2- The only words I could really rhyme with are pig, big, bark, dark, fun, and sun. 3- I wrote about dogs a lot. 4- My obsession with pigs was evident in my poetry. Also, I think you should know that I got an A on my poetry journal! This leads me to believe that elementary schools should have higher standards.

PS I don't know why those pictures are sideways and I don't know how to fix them. sorry!

So Many Rodents...

Most kids have a pet hamster or two, it's pretty normal. Growing up we went through 2 hamsters, 4 guinea pigs, 1 ferret, and approximately 1,000,000 gerbils...well I guess it was more like 100, but still.
Our first guinea pig was named Squeaky, she squeaked a lot. One night we had a baby sitter staying with us and we were all out swimming in the pool. Suddenly, the unexpected happened: Squeaky stopped squeaking. We slowly realized that we did not hear our beloved pet chattering away from the kitchen. We ran inside but it was too late. Squeaky was a goner. We soon replaced Squeaky with Piggy (we were pretty creative with the names.) I honestly don't remember how Piggy died, so we can move on to Piglet. Piglet was a very cute little guinea pig and my 2nd grade heart really loved her. I always fed her so many alfalfa cubes. Piglet started to get sick so we took her to the vet (which Mom thinks is a waste of money for rodents). The vet told us that Piglets teeth were too long and she couldn't close her mouth. So we had Piglet's teeth filed down to solve the problem. Unfortunately, Piglet's teeth apparently grew at a very rapid pace because weeks later she was sick again. Mom refused to take her back to the vet. Dad held little Piglet a few weeks later while she died because she could eat or drink because she couldn't close her mouth. What a weird and sad way to die. My favorite guinea pig by far was Max. We was red and white and just so wonderful. Max's death was even weirder than Piglet's. We had him outside one summer day while we were cleaning the bathroom. It got really hot outside and he was out there for a few hours. Basically his innerds got fried in the sun. I cried a lot. That was the end of our guinea pig adventures.

Then there were the 2 hamsters; Whiskers and Peanut. Whiskers belonged to Dennis and Peanut was mine. These were very smart hamsters. They would always get out of their cages. We were smart too though. We discovered that whenever they got out of the cage they went always hid behind the dryer. I think it must have been nice and warm back there. So whenever we got home and they were missing, which happened pretty darn often, we just reached behind the dryer and put them back in their cages. I think Peanut should have been named Mike Tyson because one day we were playing with our hamsters and Peanut bit Whisker's ear off. Dennis was very mad at me, I had no control over my hamster. They were very resilient little guys though. We would even put them on the trampoline some times and bounce them around. They died of natural causes at the ripe old age of 4 which is very old for a hamster.

Next was the Ferret, Peppy. One day Dad went for a jog in the neighborhood and he spotted a sign that said "Free Ferret to a Good Home." That very same day we had a new pet. Peppy was crazy. We would let her out of the cage sometimes and she would run around the house. Whenever she came into the room I was in she would trap me in the corner and bite my ankles. I was terrified of that tiny little monster. Peppy didn't last long. She was quite the biter. We gave her away free to another good home. Thank goodness.

The last of the rodent adventures was the gerbils. I will make this as short as I can. We got two gerbils. The pet store dude said they were the same sex so they would not make babies. He must have failed gerbil anatomy class because we definitely had babies. I mean there were so many gerbil babies. For a while we would take them back to the pet store for them to sell, but then they couldn't take anymore. So we were stuck. Eventually we ran out of cages and we didn't know what to do. They were multiplying fast. We even had mutant gerbils because of all the incest. Some had no legs or tails, some were albino; we had come to a breaking point. Mom made the executive decision to get rid of them. So we dumped them out into our backyard and dumped out the rest of their food with them. There was an owl in the neighborhood so we figured we were just helping out the food chain. A few years later we were moving so someone had to come inspect our house before we put it on the market. He went under the house and came back with some interesting news. There was something bigger than a mouse but smaller than a rat living under the house. Gerbils. The had formed a colony under our house. We had them exterminated once and for all.

There is a Craft family rule now: no more rodents in the house. They were super fun to play with when we were little though. Even the gerbils were fun for a while. I guess the old cliche is true: you can have too much of a good thing. We had so much goodness we had to call a professional to come exterminate it.