What Can Boys Do That Girls Can't?

One day, Corie Sally and I decided to ask Mr. Heath if there was anything that boys can do that girls can't. The only thing he said was that girls cannot pee standing up. So, of course we had to try it. He was right and we made a mess.

I revisited this dilemma much later on the spring before we moved to Clarksville. We were going to visit for the day to check on the progress of our house. We had been there all day without a working bathroom and I had to pee really bad. Dennis and I were roaming around in the woods near the lake and I told him about my little problem. He gave me two options. I could either use the Port-a-potty that was at the top of the driveway for the workers, or I could just pee in the woods. He said that like it was no big deal. Just to prove that peeing in the woods was no big deal he walked behind a tree and did it himself. Once again I decided to try to pee standing up. I told Dennis to turn around; I knew I would not be very smooth about this. Then I walked a few feet away. I was wearing wind suit pants so I pulled them down and kind of got in crab-walk position. It was awkward, but I really had to go. So then I started to relieve myself. I was very happy until I lost my balance. I just fell over, but I could not stop peeing. I was so embarrassed. Dennis kept asking me what I was doing, it probably sounded something like this: "ahhh, uh-oh, oof, shoot!" I told him what had happened and he just laughed at me. What a good brother. So I pulled up my now wet wind suit pants and started to problem solve. How was I going to make it through dinner and the 2 hour car ride back to Richmond in pants that I had peed on? Dennis and I decided that I should go down to the lake, which was still freezing cold from winter, and try to wash off my pants. I guess this kind of worked, but now they were just more wet. I did not want Mom and Dad to see me so I just walked back to the car. Luckily, when I got to the car I realized that there was a bag of old clothes in there that we were going to take to Good Will. Hallelujah! I just took off my wet pants and put on some old ones with a kool-aid stain on them that were too short. Everything was much better. Mom asked me about my wardrobe change, but I just shrugged my shoulders and told her I just felt like changing. She still does not know about my little accident.

We have a giant picture collage in our upstairs hallway. One of the pictures is of Mom and me from that day. I and wearing kool-aid stained high waters. I guess that is better than blue wind suit pants with pee on them. I have definitely learned my lesson though: Girls cannot pee standing up, at least this girl can't.

Bed Time

Just like pretty much every kid, we had bed times when we were little. Since Sarah Margaret and Dennis were older, they got to stay up until 9:00. I went to bed at 8:00. This never seemed fair, but Mom's favorite catch phrase was, "life is not always fair." If I had a nickel for every time I heard that growing up... Anyway, I actually did not mind bed time that much. I always wore one of Mom or Dad's old t shirts to bed, which made me feel so special. Mom or Dad would come tuck us in and say our prayers with us. Every night we would say, "Thank you Lord for this day. Hear these words that I pray. Bless the people everywhere, help me Lord to always care. And please bless (then we listed every member of our family, cousins and all. I can say them all really fast now, just ask me sometime.)"

After I said my prayers with Mom and Dad they would leave and I would say two extra prayers on my own. I would also pray for a broken arm because I really wanted a cast. I am 20 and I have never had a broken bone though. I also always prayed for good dreams. I really did not want to have a night mare, but I was embarrassed to pray for this in front of my parents. The reason why I never wanted to have a nightmare was not really because it would be scary, it was because of what would happen when I was scared. I would go to Mom and Dad's room and ask to get in their bed. It was obvious that they did not want me there. I mean who would want a wiggly 7 year old sleeping in the middle of their bed? Sleeping between Mom and Dad was the worst. Mom would pull the covers up to her chin and hold them there. Dad snored so much. So I would just lay there squished between them, sweating because I was stuck in the covers and wide awake because of the disgusting noises coming out of Dad. I always decided that being afraid in my room alone was a better alternative.

I did have one dream in particular that was recurring and very frequent. It was short, so usually I would have this dream before my real dream. I can still remember it so vividly. A black cat and a red crab would walk up to the front door of a house. The cat would poop on the door mat and then they would both walk away. That was the end. I wonder what that means.

Another key element of bed time was my stuffed animals. I had to have certain ones with me. I still sleep with these same animals pretty much every night. I needed Ruff, Blankie, Flopsy, and Big Bear. I got Ruff the dog for Christmas from Grandmama Ruth when I was 5 and he has been my faithful companion every night since then. Blankie is the blanket that Grandmommy Craft made for me when I was born. I suppose that at one time it was actually a blanket, but now it is a ball of knotted yarn. There is nothing in the world more comforting than smelling my blankie. It smells like home. It is even better when it sits in the sunshine. Someone should bottle that scent- Blankie in the Sun. Flopsy is a pillow buddy dog. I put him under the covers at my feet. When I am sleeping I cannot stand for my feet to touch each other, so I put one foot on top of Flopsy, and one under him. Big Bear is a big bear. When I got him he was as tall as me. I put him in the bed beside me with his head on the pillow so it looks like he is sleeping there. I thought that if a kidnapper climbed in my window they would see Big Bear and think, "Oh, there is just a bear in this bed, not a child for me to steal." I was pretty logical.

One time Sarah Margaret and Dennis told me that vampires lived in the space between my bed and the wall. I told them I didn't believe them, but I did. That night when I went to bed, I didn't know it, but they were hiding in that space. Right before I fell asleep, they jumped out and scared me. It was terrifying. Also, they enjoyed doing dutch ovens in my bed before I got in it. A dutch oven is when someone farts in your bed and then slips out without lifting the covers. Then, when you lift the covers that awful smell come wafting out into your face. I did it to them sometimes too though, so it all evened out.

Overall, I enjoyed bed time then and I still do now. I hardly ever fall right to sleep, but I like to lay in the dark and think about things. Bed time is so relaxing knowing that the day is over and thinking about all the possibilities for tomorrow. Now, when Sarah Margaret and I are both home we get giddy thinking about bed time. I sometimes run and jump into my bed and take in a big breath of Blankie. It is just so wonderful.

I'll be your best friend

As the youngest sibling, Sarah Margaret and Dennis could pretty much get me to do anything. All they had to do was say "I'll be your best friend" and I would be their little slave. They could trick me into doing extra chores and fetching snacks for them with those 5 little words. The kicker was that they were never going to even pretend to be my best friend. They still ignored me and wouldn't play with me. Is that how a best friend acts? Not according to Barney. But every time they asked me to do something there was the promise of my brother or sister thinking I was cool. It is kind of sad that it worked for them every time. "Caroline, go get me a glass of water, I'll be your best friend." Then I would jump up and go do it. Three hours later I would fall for the same thing.

Even though their bossing me around never made us best friends, things are different now. I do not do their chores for them and they don't tell me what to do. The irony is that now we are all best friends. So I guess the joke is on them.

Dog Breath

This is not me, but this little girl and I share a love of the song "Dog Breath." We used to sing it in Cherub Choir at Great Bridge United Methodist Church with Miss Helen. One of the highlights of my spiritual life at the time I think. I hope you love this song as much as I do. Also, I love that the guy calls himself How Weird.

My Journey Through Orthodontistry

Most people wait until all their baby teeth fall out and come back in, then they get an expander by the end of elementary school and braces in middle or high school. My journey was much more long and complicated than that. I started off with the worst under bite. My bottom teeth were completely in front of my top teeth. I was still the cutest kid ever though. Even in this picture though you can see my jaw jutting out. So it was a priority to get that aligned. My baby teeth were slow to fall out. Everyone I knew at school had lost a tooth, and I was still waiting for that magic moment. It finally happened right before Corie and I were going to see 102 Dalmatians. I was not really sure was all losing a tooth entailed though, and I was worried I would have to miss the movie. My mom assured me that a hole in my mouth would not prevent me from going. I still thought that maybe I needed to lay down for the rest of the afternoon or something. But apparently losing a baby tooth is not a big deal after all. It was a little disappointing. After the one fell out the rest would not, so I had all four of my top front teeth pulled...on the same day. I looked like I had no teeth when I smiled. Cool.

Once these teeth were pulled everything began. I got an expander in Kindergarten to make my mouth wider for all those teeth that needed to grow back in. I had that for a while and it made me talk with a lisp. Then in second grade my four front teeth were fully grown back in. Yes, it took them that long. I got braces on those four teeth and I had the back 6 pulled soon after. Pretty much the only reason I got braces then was so that I would have something to attach my headgear to. That's right, I said headgear. It was bright orange plastic and was attached to my face by rubber bands connected to my braces brackets. Luckily, I only had to wear it at night. The downside to that was the rubber band coming out of my mouth made me drool so much. One night I refused to to wear my headgear and mom told me I could wear it to church in the morning instead. I never thought she would actually make me do it. She did. It was soo embarrassing! So I wore it every night after that.

Once my jaw was perfectly aligned and all my new teeth had come in. I got my headgear off and my four little braces and I was metal free for a little while. Then in 5th grade I got the full set of braces. It was really cool at first. I was the first of all my friends to get a real full set of braces. They all thought I was so cool and mature. The coolness wore off the first time they got tightened. Ouchies! Also, in 5th grade I was not as concerned about oral hygiene. My mom would have to force me to use the Water Pick and brush all the disgusting food out of my braces. I would always gag at the Water Pick in my mouth and be super dramatic about it. I remember one time getting pineapple stuck in my braces and barfing when it came out. I got this second set of braces off in 7th grade and I was the happiest girl.

But I didn't wear my retainer so I was only happy until 8th grade when I got a full set back on. I got these off at the end of my 10th grade year. I still wear retainer to bed every night, and I have a permanent one on my bottom teeth. I am going to wear these until I get married I have decided. Then, this mouth is going to be metal free!! I hope...

What's for dinner?

When I was in fourth grade, Mom decided to go back to work part time. She worked at the shipyard while we were at school and got home about the same time we did. During this time she decided that she did not have enough time to cook dinner every night and she would use this opportunity to teach us. Next thing we knew a new rule had been implemented. We each had to choose one night a week to fix dinner. There was a catch too: you did not have to help clean up after dinner if it was your night to cook. So we all three wanted Friday night so we could go outside and play sooner after dinner. Every Sunday we sat down and chose our night and told Mom what we wanted to fix. We could pretty much make anything we wanted as long as we included a vegetable. Then, she would go to Food Lion and get all of the ingredients we needed for the week. It quickly became apparent that a pattern was forming.

Every week Sarah Margaret would make some variation of english muffin pizzas. This was a very simple and delicious meal for the first 3 weeks. Then it just got old. How many weeks in a row can a kid be expected to endure english muffin pizzas and a salad? Dennis always chose something fancy. He was the only one who would actually look in the cook book and try something new. Surprisingly, it usually turned out really well. He would experiment with flavors and spices. However, this was not less work for Mom because she had to help him a lot. We always looked forward to Dennis' night to cook. Minus the fact that he usually had peas as his vegetable. Can you say barf? I hate peas with my whole heart. I either chose ham or burgers and always mac n cheese. I could not cook any of these things. I mean I was only in fourth grade. So my night was really just an extra night for Mom where I chose the menu and kind of helped her/ got in the way. I was ok with this system. Dad generally chose something pretty standard. One night he made the most disgusting concoction of canned vegetables. He said they used to serve it in his high school cafeteria. Gross. However, more often than not he would call on his way home from work and say he was running late and would not have time to cook. Then we would order pizza on his night. Mom would cook the rest of the week. Usually grilled chicken and sweet potatoes with salad or green beans.

Our meals were pretty predictable. This system of cooking did not last too long. I guess Mom decided it was not such a good idea after all and was even more work for her sometimes. Also, we needed more variety in our meals. Honestly, none of us really tried. It was a half-hearted attempt at cooking dinner. But what do you expect from a weird 4th grader, a 6th grade boy who just wanted to play outside, and a bratty 8th grader?

Good Conduct

We lived in Chesapeake, VA for my whole elementary school career. Sarah Margaret, Dennis, and I were all good students. Every year when we got report cards Dad would tell us that it is important to do well in school and get good grades but one of the most important things is good conduct. If we had good conduct, at the end of the year we got to pick out a special prize. Honestly, I had no idea what the heck conduct was, and it never occurred to me to ask. All I knew was that at the end of the year Dad would look at my report card and read my teacher's comments and decide whether or not I got to pick a prize. Luckily I got to pick something every year. I would hand him my report card and pray that he would see whatever it was that meant I had this mysterious thing called "good conduct".

The best part of the whole thing was going to pick out the prize. We would go to Waterside in Norfolk. Waterside was this indoor mall-ish thing with a few stores and a lot of restaurants. Also, there were boats docked outside because it was beside the water, hence the name Waterside. We never ate in one of the fancy restaurants. We always ate in the food court, and it was the most exciting thing ever! I could get any kind of food I wanted, and I always wanted Sbarros pizza. Where else could I get a slice of pizza that humongous? After we ate we would walk around to the stores. We went in all of them, but there was only one that I cared about. It was the nature store. Sarah Margaret and I always picked out our precious good conduct prizes in this store. Dennis always complained about the absurd amount of time we spent here.

This store had everything great. And by everything great I mean every stuffed animal you could ever want, and I wanted all of them. One of the best prized I ever got was a giant stuffed manatee. I named him Manny. One time I got moon rocks. That's right, moon rocks. How cool is that? Mom would never let me get one of those plastic sacks with the liquid in them that slipped out of your hands. Some people called them snakes. All my friends had them, but Mom was worried that it would fall out of my hands and burst all over the carpet. I also used these good conduct prizes to add to my pound puppy collection. Basically, it was like Christmas at the beginning of the summer.

By the time I learned what good conduct meant (it means good behavior), Dad thought we were too old to continue this tradition. I guess good conduct is not as big of a deal in middle school. O well. Sarah Margaret, Dennis, and I still bring up our good conduct prizes. If there is something that I really want but cannot afford by myself I remind Dad that my professors have not been complaining about my behavior, and that I should get it for good conduct. It never works. I will probably do good conduct prizes with my children, but I will make sure that they know what conduct is. That probably would have made the experience even more meaningful.